Confessions of a Home Wrecker: How and Why I Sabotaged the Relationship between "Bill" and "Jill"

(This is from my blog on MFP)

Bill and Jill, we’ll call them for now. We all grew up together, and they were two peas in a pod. I watched them change during puberty, and then, during my High School years, I noticed they started getting pretty close. I didn’t like it. But instead of doing something right away, I just kept thinking everything would work out on its own. Boy was I wrong.

After graduation, we went to college. The relationship between them grew even more, and they kept getting closer and closer. Why did I not like the idea of them being together? It just wasn’t right. I had a gut feeling that I would NEVER be happy unless they went their separate ways. Why, I repeat WHY, didn’t I do something about it then!? I don’t know… Instead, I just kept pushing my feelings to the side.

Then one day, about three years ago, it happened. I caught them together. You know what I mean? Like… together—EEEK! How embarrassing that was for me. They didn’t even mind that I was right there, watching them! I could see their skin sticking together, all sweaty... EWW.

Over the next few years, I started ignoring them altogether. No, I wasn’t happy, AT ALL. I was miserable. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. It seemed to me that they’d always be together and that it was too late for me to do anything. Then I got married to an amazing man. And yet, there they were, Bill and Jill, closer than ever, rubbing it in my face that I had missed my chance to break them up. Why wasn’t I happy!? 5 months after getting married, I got pregnant. And you know what? They became inseparable. It seemed like they were stuck together like glue. BLEH. Made me wanna puke.

After my pregnancy, I’d had enough of them two. I decided I didn’t care what anyone else thought, I was ending their relationship. And the more I would see them, you know, “together,” (they were constantly “rubbing” against each other—even in public!) it just added fuel to the fire. I was determined, but it was still one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I DID IT. I put an end to their stupid little relationship, and, now, they will never be together like that again. They may still be closer than I like, but I’m going to keep pushing and pushing until I’m satisfied.

Want to know their real names? Ladies and gentlemen, meet Bill, my left thigh, and Jill, my right thigh. As of this morning, July 22, 2011, I stepped out of the shower, stood in front of the mirror, and realized that my thighs were no longer touching.

I have officially won.

And what exactly did you think I was talking about!?