The Day Before

**I wrote this the day before my scheduled c-section: Wednesday, December 13, 2017**

Tomorrow is THE DAY and the clock seems to be standing still (as it has done for the past 39 weeks!). So obviously I have what feels like hours and hours and days and days to ponder the arrival of Blakely JoAnn Darbison.

I wonder what she'll look like. I wonder if she'll take a pacifier or, like Jordan, refuse it 99% of the time. I wonder if she'll have a birth mark. I can't wait to be super weird and count those 10 little fingers and 10 little toes, just to make sure. I wonder if she'll play sports someday! Will it be basketball? Softball? Track? Will she enjoy reading? Will she love school?

I wonder if she'll have hair! I hope she's healthy and happy and that everything goes as planned. I pray for her future and ours. I know from experience that you can't always protect your children from hurt, from sickness, from sin. But I pray that God gives us the ability to guide and comfort her in all areas of her life. I hope I can be a patient mother. Loving. Accepting.

I pray that Ali and Jordan never feel neglected or replaced by their baby sister. I want them to understand that my love is SO ABUNDANT that I could never love them less. My heart just continues to grow and grow to make room for all the love I feel for my husband and children.

I pray that Ali never feels "left out" of our family; being a stepdaughter means she doesn't get to spend as much time with her siblings. But she is so loved and admired already by her baby brother, and I am certain that her and Blakely will be so close, just like I am with all of my sisters. I pray that Jordan forgets how badly he wanted a brother!

I wonder if the house will ever be clean again after today! I hope that I can just ignore the mess and cherish the memories. I worry about how I'm going to handle the next couple of weeks with ALL THREE kids at home (Christmas Break, y'all!).

I wonder what my body will look like after this. I was so very happy with the way I looked before this pregnancy; will I have be content again? Will I be able to get back in shape? How long will it be before I feel "normal" again? How long will it take? How hard will it be?

I pray that Blakely sleeps! I remember endless, sleepless nights with Jordan. I remember hiding in the car at 3 in the morning so I could get some rest while my husband tended to the baby. I pray that she doesn't have ear problems or colic or anything else that would cause her pain or discomfort.

Oh Blakely, we all love you so much already. I am so ready to meet you and hold you and watch you grow. We promise to take you to church and teach you what it means to have a relationship with Jesus. We will try our best to be good examples. We'll likely show you that no one is perfect, even mom and dad! We promise to teach you love, forgiveness, and acceptance, but also how to stand up for yourself and what you believe.

I am so proud to be your mommy. I love you. See you tomorrow!